Equality at last!

by Edgar J. Steele

June 24, 2002

I've given it a lot of thought and decided to get on board with equality, diversity and affirmative action.  I think the world will be a much better place once we are all truly equal.

So, right away, I'm calling for true equality in all things for all people everywhere in America.  

Lessee now, blacks represent about 12% of the population, last time I checked, with Latinos at about 13% and asians of one flavor or another at about 15%.

That means the Lakers will immediately have to drop several players from their roster and add a few others to meet the letter of the law in regard to true equality.  Affirmative action should require a distribution of heights more closely conforming to that found in each  population segment, too.  Every time the ball moves up and down the court, I want to see six white guys and at least one asian handing off to a latino.

In fact, affirmative action should require that many of the new hoop stars have to be midgets.

And pro football - sorry, guys, but you're just gonna have to lavish those outlandish salaries on guys named Jose and Fred, too.  I can hear it now:  "And Chi Chan Chang throws a brutal downfield cross body block...Juan Hernandez laterals to Fred O'Hara just as he is forced out of bounds...O'Hara scores!"

Welfare will be much more fairly distributed, what with 60% of it going to white people, of course.

Scholarships will have to be equally distributed, according to skin color, with affirmative action demanding a disproportionate number awarded to stupid people of every stripe. Football scholarships will have to go, in the main, to geeky little white guys wearing wire-rimmed glasses.

And it just isn't fair that smart people get all the best grades, so they will have to be given harder exam questions.  Minimum of twelve-syllables for all spelling bee words thrown at Merit Scholars...that sort of thing.

Government at every level will be required to replace current employees until at least 60% in each and every department has a white face.

The employment opportunities for whites at airport security details alone are overwhelming.

Crime is tough, but we will just have to fund government programs designed to ensure that 60% of all crime is committed by white people.  Rape - that will be toughest of all, but I just know that all those new Black victims, especially in prison, will bend to the greater good of society in the name of true equality.

Interracial crime undoubtedly will be the most difficult to fully integrate, since it will be necessary for a great many whites to give up their careers as surgeons and accountants and go into the rackets full time, thus ensuring a fifty-fold increase in white on black crime, thereby bringing it into conformity with today's black on white crime statistics.

Perhaps we could station government employees on street corners during riots to ensure that 60% of the color TVs are borne away by white folks.

We will need emergency funding at the federal level just to properly equip white crack dealers and pimps, what with the price of gold for chains and teeth skyrocketing at present.

The murder rate bothers me the most, because once we get whitey busy eliminating blacks at the same rate white people have been getting knifed, shot, strangled and beaten for years, it is entirely possible that we could run out of blacks altogether in a matter of months.

Then we would have massive unemployment as whites are thrown out of work from their jobs dealing crack and collecting welfare.  Of course, we will have been having trouble getting enough unemployment checks into white hands, anyway, so maybe that is a proper result.

Now we're cooking!  Come to think of it, this equality thing has real possibilities.  For example, is it really fair that only the good-looking guys get all the babes?


"I didn't say it would be easy.  I just said it would be the truth."
            - Morpheus

Edgar J. Steele