I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I've never yet figured out how the sexual desire gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she said the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explained that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I realized nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big department store ... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then told me she wanted matching shoes worth $200 each to which I said OK. And then we went to the jewelry department where she picked out a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis; I threw her for a loop when I told her it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I replied, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey!! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw.