My Husband's Marriage Secrets
by Henny Youngman, comedian
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
- Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
- My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
- The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" …I said, "Dust!".
- Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to!
- A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Michigan Ave. and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."