Answering Machine At The Mental
Hospital "Hello, .... and welcome to the
Mental Health Hotline."
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press
- If you are co-dependent, please ask
someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you
are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen
carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it
doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press
- If you have a nervous disorder, please
fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and say
your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security,
and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress
disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please
leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
- If you have low self-esteem, please
hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.