Crusty Old CPO Humor

Below are some classic Navy Chief Petty Officer (CPO) jokes.

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

Old Salt

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniel's in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

Command Master Chief Selection

A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Submarine warfare type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Submarine Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The Aviation Master Chief replied, "Well yes. You have no ears."

The Admiral threw him out also. 

The third interview was with a Surface Warfare Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?"

To his surprise the Surface Warfare Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked. 

The Surface Warfare Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears."

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. 

The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable. Then, go to Hell! with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. 

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right."

"Wrong, said the chief, it came out of my asshole."

And the Chief went to Heaven...

"The Genie"

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. 

The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

"Sex, Work or Play"

At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing around talking. A LT said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

A CDR responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Then a CAPT says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief walks by. The officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion.

The CAPT says, "Chief, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your opinion?"

The Chief says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have a Chief doing it for you!"


A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."