Dear Mr. Ex-President Clinton:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

  • Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?
  • Thank you for teaching my 8- and 10-year old kids about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until they were older to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.
  • Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.
  • Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.
  • Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.
  • Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.
  • Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals. 8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.
  • Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars --- I really didn't need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars to spend on jet fuel for globe-trotting. I understand that your family and cronies have logged more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.
  • Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.
  • Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends".
  • Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate your removing all that excess weight (China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.) out of Air Force 1. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus fewer tax dollars are spent on jet fuel. Thank you!
  • And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and that you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!
  • The last and most important point - a big "thank you" from all Americans for forcing Israel to let Mohammad Atta go free.

Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried, and imprisoned the little scumbag. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners". The Israelis,   however, would not release any who had blood on their hands. The American President at the time, you, Bill, and your Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.

Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked you by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center.

This was initially reported by many of the American TV networks when the terrorists were first identified, but was quickly removed from later reports by your media friends who had for eight years either found ways to justify your "behavior," or if it was too great a "reach," to not report it because they determined it was not "newsworthy." Why shouldn't Americans know the real truth now? What a guy!!

THANK YOU! Bill, for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally, and for helping to make America a better place to raise our kids.


An American Citizen

P.S. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for inventing the Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful factual letter.